woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
