So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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