why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Everything about him screamed your future.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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