I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
