I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
