She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
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By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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