seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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