Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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