My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
