Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
