I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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