Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
