Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
