New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
