There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
