I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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