I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
