About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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