I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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