Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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