Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
