i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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