I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
