he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
