so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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