it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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