since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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