history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
