I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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