Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
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I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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