I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
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she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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