drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just invented taco cereal.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
