there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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