I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
