I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
