So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
