meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
