And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
