thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
