And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
