He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Drunk is not a location!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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