sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I didn't notice because vodka
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
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