i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
