Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
