I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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