No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
