She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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