either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
