I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
