i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
