Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize