I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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