he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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