the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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