I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
