I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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