hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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