What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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