I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
