just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
