You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
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were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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