Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
